


Tony's a Huge Clint

by Kupo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: E-mail, Gen, Tony Stark is a troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 18:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1195581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kupo/pseuds/Kupo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The average twelve-year-old is more mature than Tony Stark. Unlike the average twelve-year-old, Tony has the ability to hack SHIELD's computers and a very simple idea to poke fun at one of his teammates.</p><p>This can't end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony's a Huge Clint

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the old myth about the Comics Code banning the name Clint for how it appears in certain all-caps fonts.

  
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
Subject: I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS  
   
Darcy. I have the best idea ever. Are you in? Good.  
   
-Tony  
   
   
From: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: Re: I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS  
   
Stark, I want nothing to do with your mayhem.  
   
That, of course, was just to cover my ass, since by e-mailing me at my SHIELD account you’ve made it impossible for me to claim innocence when this inevitably ends in fire, Fury, and Captain America turning his sad eyes on us.  
   
So, how can I help since I’ll be blamed for it anyway?  
   
-Darcy  
   
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
Subject: You’re coming over to plan  
   
Tonight. I’ll send a car to pick you up from SHIELD HQ.  
   
-Tony  
   
   
From: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: Re: You’re coming over to plan  
   
Make sure the bar is stocked. I’m sure I’ll need it.  
   
-Darcy  
   
\---  
   
Shield security footage from Thursday, February 13, 2014 at 8:06:33 PM  
   
Agent Phil Coulson clicks his mouse twice, sighs, and powers off his computer before collecting his perfectly pressed jacket off the back of his chair and leaving his office.  
   
\---  
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
Subject: Test  
   
HAWKEYE IS SUCH A CLINT.  
   
   
From: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: Re: Test  
   
Sans serif. It has to be sans serif.  
   
-Darcy  
   
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Darcy Lewis [d.lewis@shield.gov]  
Subject: Re: Re: Test  
   
Good call. Going live in six minutes. That Clint won’t know what hit him.  
   
-Tony  
   
\---  
   
Shield security footage from Friday, February 14, 2014 at 7:57:18 AM  
   
Agent Phil Coulson sits at his computer, types a few practiced strings of characters and sips his coffee. The corners of his mouth quirk upwards almost imperceptibly as he starts typing in earnest.  
   
\---  
   
From: Clint Barton [c.barton@shield.gov]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: I know it was you.  
   
I can’t prove it was you, I don’t know how you did it, but I know you’re the reason everyone’s suddenly calling me Agent Cunt Barton. Next time I see you, you are a dead man.  
   
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Clint Barton [cunt.barton@shield.gov]  
Subject: Re: I know it was you  
   
My dearest CLINT,  
   
I’m sure I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.  
   
   
\---  
   
Shield security footage from Sunday, February 16, 2014 at 12:12:12 PM  
   
Thor Odinson kisses Doctor Jane Foster by way of greeting. After several moments of Thor gesticulating wildly and Doctor Foster looking shocked and amused in turns, Jane can be seen mouthing the word “Tony.”  
   
\---  
   
From: Thor Odinson [t.odinson@shield.gov]  
To: Clint Barton [cunt.barton@shield.gov]  
Subject: [no subject]  
   
Friend Clint! My dearest Lady Jane has just informed me that my Asgardian allspeak has left me out of a most amusing joke! To know that your name in your writing system was so close to another word would have made the last few days much more sensical! I was so confused as to why everyone at SHIELD was referring to you with a word for lady bits, but now it is most amusing! Why did you not let me in on this joke sooner, dear friend?  
   
\---  
   
Shield security footage from Sunday, February 16, 2014 at 4:45:27 PM  
   
Agent Clint Barton shoots an arrow through his monitor.  
   
\---  
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Steve Rogers [s.rogers@shield.gov], Natasha Romanov [n.romanov@shield.gov], Clint Barton [cunt.barton@shield.gov], Bruce Banner [b.banner@shield.gov], Phil Coulson [agent.coulson@shield.gov], Thor Odinson [t.odinson@shield.gov]  
CC: Pepper Potts [virginia.potts@si.com]  
Subject: Avengers gossip for the week of 2-17-14  
   
Item one: Coulson’s sloppy Clint.  
   
See attached SHIELD security video Coulson tried to scrub from SHIELD servers.  
   
There is no item two.  
   
{Attachment: Coulson-fucks-a-Clint.mp4}  
   
   
From: Pepper Potts [virginia.potts@si.com]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: Re: Avengers gossip for the week of 2-17-14  
   
UNSUBSCRIBE. How many times do I have to tell you, Tony? I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN YOUR WEIRD INCESTUOUS TEAM. I especially do not need to receive these e-mails while I’m in a board meeting you were supposed to attend.  
   
However, do congratulate Clint for me and give Phil my condolences.  
   
-P  
   
   
From: Steve Rogers [s.rogers@shield.gov]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com], Natasha Romanov [n.romanov@shield.gov], Clint Barton [cunt.barton@shield.gov], Bruce Banner [b.banner@shield.gov], Phil Coulson [agent.coulson@shield.gov], Thor Odinson [t.odinson@shield.gov]  
CC: Pepper Potts [virginia.potts@si.com]  
Subject: Re: Avengers gossip for the week of 2-17-14  
   
Tony,  
   
Wait, Clint and Coulson are going steady? I always thought he was, you know, Natasha’s Clint. I know we should be respecting their privacy, but I’m just surprised is all.  
   
You don’t think they didn’t tell me because they think I’d have a problem with two men going together, do you, Tony? They’d know I’m happy for them, right? I’d like to think my team would trust me enough to tell me these things.  
   
Sincerely,  
Steven Rogers  
   
   
From: Pepper Potts [virginia.potts@si.com]  
To: Steve Rogers [s.rogers@shield.gov]  
Subject: Trust  
   
Steve,  
   
I’m sure Phil and Agent Barton trust you enough to have told you in their own time. I have a feeling nobody was supposed to know before Tony got a hold of that tape, not because they don’t trust the rest of your team, but because they’re still in the early stages of their relationship and aren’t ready to tell everyone in case it doesn’t work out. They may not have even had a talk to define their relationship yet and will be forced to take things at a different pace than they intended due to Tony’s jackassery. Please, don’t take it personally that they didn’t tell you. No-one who has talked to you for even five minutes could think you’re the kind of person to judge someone for who they love.  
   
Also, next time double check you don’t hit reply all.  
   
-P  
   
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Steve Rogers [captain.my.captain@shield.gov]  
Subject: [no subject]  
   
No, cap, nobody knew except me and I wasn’t even supposed to. We all trust our fearless leader. Don’t worry that pretty little head of yours.  
   
   
From: Steve Rogers [captain.my.captain@shield.gov]  
To: Pepper Potts [iowntonystark@si.com]  
Subject: Re: Trust  
   
Thank you, Pepper, but I do know the difference between reply and reply all. I just wanted to get Tony back for starting this whole thing (the less you know the better), and reply all with a certain line from the guy who clearly can’t understand technology because he’s from the forties is the easiest way to ensure Tony would learn his lesson. I apologize in advance for any troubles this may cause for you and for StarkIndustries.  
   
-Steve  
   
   
From: Nick Fury [n.fury@shield.gov]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: See me  
   
SEE ME IN MY OFFICE NOW, STARK.  
   
   
From: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
To: Nick Fury [ALLCAPSFURY@SHIELD.GOV]  
Subject: Re: See me  
   
You know, the all-caps font really becomes you, Fury. I know this is the same e-mail you’ve got saved just for me as always, but the font really does add something to it.  
   
   
From: Nick Fury [ALLCAPSFURY@SHIELD.GOV]  
To: Tony Stark [iamironman@si.com]  
Subject: NOW  
   
And if you don’t put everyone’s e-mail addresses back to what they should be, I am sending a team in to destroy your server rooms with fire.  
   
   
From: Natasha Romanov [n.romanov@shield.gov]  
To: SHIELD Medical Staff [oncall.med@shield.gov]  
Subject: [no subject]  
   
Prepare a stretcher for Tony Stark.  
   
   
From: Bruce Banner [greenragemonster@shield.gov]  
To: Natasha  Romanov [n.romanov@shield.gov]  
Subject: Again?  
   
Please try to keep the bleeding to a minimum.  
   
-Banner  
   
\---  
   
Shield security footage from Monday, February 17, 2014 at 1:26:22 PM  
   
Tony Stark stops walking down the corridor to Director Fury’s office to fish his phone out of his pocket. His eyes flick across the message, then go wide. Agent Romanov steps into frame briefly before all security footage goes black.  
   
\---  
   
From: Pepper Potts [virginia.potts@si.com]  
To: Natasha Romanov [n.romanov@shield.gov]  
Subject: Re: Tony’s in Medical Again  
   
I don’t want to know what happened; just tell me he really deserved it.  
   
-P  
   
   
From: Natasha Romanov [n.romanov@shield.gov]  
To: Pepper Potts [virginia.potts@si.com]  
Subject: Re: Re: Tony’s in Medical Again  
   
Don’t worry. He did. We’re still on for lunch tomorrow?

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to, for the most part save your eyes and not post the blocks of capitals where it would be appropriate, but I promise you they were there at the time. Do remember that these logs are being viewed after the fact and all the software for SHIELD's e-mails has been restored to normal. Also, as it was only SHIELD's e-mail software, Pepper's StarkIndustries e-mails were unaffected.


End file.
